sham columnChupp Karo! (Be quite!)
Here’s a question for you? Why is it that when us Asians are out and about our volume seems to automatically go up and we speak so loud? I mean I’m all for a laugh and expression through animated conversation but why do we have to go over the top and tell the whole world what we’re talking about? I was in town again having a nosey around when I heard this thunder of a noise. I was confused. I didn’t know whether to look up to the sky and watch out for lightening or run for cover! But it was sunny! To the left of me was an Asian family shopping: mum, aunty and five kids and yes you know what happens… The kids were being naughty and running off, hitting each other, you know how it is. But what was disturbing was how the mother hurled pure Punjabi abuse at them with some obscene words and gestures. I can’t actually write them here otherwise you probably won’t hear from me again but let me tell you it was ‘jungli’! What’s more funny is how when we get angry we hurl English obscenities with our ‘apna’ twang, you know for example ‘bladdy stewpid’, ‘heediot’ and ‘seely phool’! It get’s funnier when we mix the languages together. These are the classics, ‘you are a big kanjarr’, ‘bladdy pagal dangarr’ and ‘stewpid kotha’!

I remember once I was sat outside my home watching the world go by and heard the neighbour proper giving it some. I thought there must be some sort of fight with the amount of disgusting abuse I heard. When I went to investigate, it was the mother having a go at her five year old because he had spilt some milk in the garden! Stewpid ghaa! Have you also noticed how the decibels seem to increase when ‘auntiyah’ are shopping? Every time I’ve been to buy some groceries there seems to be a herd of Asian women shopping. Well actually they’re having a right good old natter, which is pretty cool but it just gets crazy when they are speaking so loud. I mean I really don’t want to know that someone is having toilet problems or that so and so’s daughter has thrown her husband out! I even heard someone had got married for the third time and the ‘randy codger’ was going to be a dad again. He walks with a walking stick! The worst part was you seem to be drawn into the conversation whilst waiting to be served and then they make eye contact with you and wait for your opinion (or is it your agreement to what’s being said). The younger generation are getting louder and louder too. Whilst on the school run the kids spilled out from school like a tub of marbles that had been knocked over, going all over the place. It’s a mission to try and avoid the rush of hungry little blights but try and ignore the noise! No chance! It’s like a sea of constant high pitched annoying noise yet add that to all the mothers yapping away gossiping about what so and so did and others chasing their kids and throwing the odd verbal abuse, you’ve got no chance. Let’s move a generation up – the teens! At least you can clip an ear of a little one to listen to you but the teenagers are something else. Not only do they talk loud they actually swear at each other like it’s a normal thing. And we’re not talking the simple English swears, we’re talking the disgusting and very personal Punjabi abuse. The only time they are quiet is when they’re on their phones to their girlfriends (or vice versa) this is when they go low key and giggle. You can so tell their chatting to some kuri or kura! Even the elders are at it. I remember my aunty once was on the phone but she was talking so loud so I automatically assumed she’s on the phone to someone in Pakistan. When I asked who she was speaking with, I was told it was her best friend from up the road, and she’s not deaf! I mean the whole street could hear her! I daren’t ask her to quieten down or anything because she’s the type with the evil stare and trust me you don’t want to fall foul of that. I’ll leave that story for another day.