sham column
Smelly onions!
I was at the local surgery when this Asian woman walked in and sat a few rows in front of me. Patiently (excuse the pun) I waited for my turn to see the GP when suddenly there was this unbearable smell of cooked onions fill the room and intoxicate the whole surgery.  For a second I thought nah, it can’t be, it’s 9:15am, it’s way too early to be cooking haandi, but the more I thought about it the more the stench grew stronger and stronger. I mean I could even tell which spices she had been using because as soon as the onions hit you then comes the wave of masalas following. I could smell thomb (garlic), adrakk (ginger), and even got a whiff of haldi (turmeric) and thaniya (coriander). Hang on, let me get at tissue, my mouths watering now!

What was puzzling was the fact that didn’t she know she was going to visit the GP and that perhaps she could have got changed? Ok so she may have been rushing but still, a few squirts of D&G Light Blue wouldn’t have gone amiss!

But then I realised, this actually happens a lot. I’ve been to different places when I’ve been subject to the very distinctive pyaaz(onion) khushboo

(fragrance) of people, which I’m sure you all know can not be mistaken. I remember once when I was shopping in town and this auntyji walked passed me smelling of pyaaz and bazaar(mixed masala spices) that she nearly knocked me out. But get this, if you thought that was bad add a little BO and you’ve got the mother of a deadly mix! Thoba thoba she smelt that bad she could make onions cry! I couldn’t believe it. Now I understand we all can’t smell our own bodies like others do but if you’ve clearly been in the kitchen and worked up a sweat, you would clean yourself up before going in public right?

The best, or should I say the worst experience for me is from my dear family friend.  I was doing a door to door campaign when I knocked on my friends door to explain about an event I was holding. As soon as the door opened I was hit with a smell of fish, paan, bay leaves, and some very strange spice used for fish. Oh my days I nearly fell backwards and I couldn’t get a word out. I actually started coughing and laughing at the same time. I coughed so much that tears began to roll down my face, I just couldn’t compose myself to speak. The poor woman who had opened the door advanced forward to see if I was okay but when she opened her mouth there was this upper cut knock out punch of a smell that made it worse. And if you thought that was bad when I saw her orange teeth chewing some nut shaped object I nearly puked! Although it was a shock it actually was quite funny and eventually I managed to speak to the family. Oh and I was invited in but decided to stay outside where it was safe! When I walked off I still could smell the stench on me it was that overpowering!

But let me tell you something, I was shocked the other day to find out that even I smell sometimes! I couldn’t believe it. I went to the gym and after finishing off I went to my locker to get changed and as soon as I opened the door I was hit by masala! I was so disgusted with myself because I thought I was actually the clean type! Yeah right! I realised that when mum is cooking the kitchen is a no go zone. Every time she cooks and I just walk through the smell just seems to latch on. You know, my luck is so bad that it just so happens that when I ever walk through the kitchen it has to coincide with the exact time when the garlic and ginger are being added to the handi.

That’s the worst possible time you could ever get as the hissing of the handi at that particular time lets off a lot of steam, which naturally comes straight onto me instead of going through the air vent! So I now do two things, one try and avoid the kitchen and two keep a bottle of Energise in my car to hide the smell, but even this sometime comes off worse!

Tip of the Day: if you can’t be bothered to have a shower use Fabreeze, it’ll at least hide your stink!