Kirat Assi, the woman at the heart of the Netflix documentary Sweet Bobby, My Catfish Nightmare, has spoken about the devastating lack of support from her family, despite being the victim of a cruel deception.
Discussions about difficult topics are often silenced out in the South Asian community, in fear of judgement. Now, many are questioning on social media, whether this mindset is fair to victims of abuse.
The documentary, which has been seen by over 7.2 million people around the world, explores how for nine years, Kirat was caught up in a meticulously crafted web of deception by her own cousin, Simran.
The elaborate lies involved countless fake identities and fabricated scenarios, leaving Kirat, who comes from the West London Sikh community and a Punjabi background, emotionally scarred.
In her quest for solace, she is met with a cold, emotional rejection from her own family, particularly her father. “He doesn’t want to know what happened,” Kirat told the BBC.
“Because to face up to what happened, and how horrific it was, it’s going to be painful.”
Today the 43-year-old wonders if her experience would have been different had she come from another background. “I’d be making different choices,” she says
“We have responsibilities towards our community. You have the pressure of family.”
In many Asian cultures, the fear of dishonour often outweighs compassion for victims.
In a community where honour is paramount, Kirat’s experience reflects the struggle of many victims who face societal pressures that stifle their voices and obscure their pain.
People are debating about the issue on the r/sweetbobbypodcast subreddit, with opinions sharply divided.
Some users argue that Kirat’s experience is not unique to the South Asian community, while others harshly criticise her for not connecting the dots sooner.
However, a significant portion of the community expresses empathy and support for Kirat, recognising the cultural and societal pressures that can hinder victims from speaking out.
“I kind of get where she’s coming from with the whole South Asian community thing. We are very afraid of being embarrassed or looked down upon by the community. So much so that a lot of us will literally not stand up to injustices and wrongdoings publicly just because we’re afraid of being judged and what ‘people’ might think of us,” writes one reddit user.
“Plenty of brown dads would disown or abuse their daughter for dating before marriage, staying with an undesirable future son in law, and place the views of family and their community over the wellbeing of their children,” replies another reddit user
From dating to handling emotional or sexual abuse, the south Asian community tends to keep things under wraps. A report released in 2021, by
Sikh Women’s Aid surveyed 674 women and revealed that as many as seven in ten had experienced abuse from a partner or relative. Alarmingly, only a third of victims felt comfortable disclosing their experiences to family and friends. This system easily enables the abusers to thrive while facing little to no consequences.
The expectations placed on South Asian women, often rooted in traditional values and a fear of societal judgement, can make it difficult for them to set healthy boundaries.
This can lead to a cycle of abuse and manipulation, as seen in Kirat’s case. Furthermore, conservative parenting styles, which often prioritise obedience and respect for elders over critical thinking and self-expression, can stifle the development of assertiveness and self-advocacy. This can leave individuals, particularly women, vulnerable to exploitation and abuse.
Sultan Malik, a 60-year-old Bradford father of six daughters, reflects on the stark contrast between his own upbringing and his parenting style.
“When I was growing up, my father was incredibly strict,” he recalls.
“It wasn’t until I rebelled in my teenage years that he began to loosen his grip.”
This experience has shaped Sultan’s approach to raising his daughters.
“I’ve always been cautious about them talking to boys, but I’ve never restricted them too much,” he explains.
Reflecting on Kirat’s situation, Sultan emphasises the importance of empathy and understanding
“If something like this happened to one of my daughters, I would want to know. I would be by their side, no matter what.”
His perspective highlights a generational shift in attitudes within the South Asian community, where a greater emphasis is being placed on open dialogue, emotional support, and the well-being of individuals. And it’s exactly why Kirat speaking up about her abuse is a turning point, a shift towards change and openness.
It also raises important questions about the complexities of honour, shame, and emotional support, what responsibility do communities have to foster open dialogue? Or are the fears of judgement justified in a broader societal context? We still have a long way to go in addressing these issues and supporting those who have suffered in silence.
